“Many Light years Ago..”

How many crumpled pages away
How many faded scriptures ago
Did you look at the sun differently
When you used to raise your hands to pray
Encircling those fogged faces
In the embrace of your prayers

Many Light years Ago,
When you let the sand trickle away
When you decided to stop making the paths
And let the winds lead their way

Many Light years Ago
When it dawned upon you
The abode you named yours
Was a mere mirage
You walked away from

Many Light years Ago
When you let the stars guide you
When your soul was oblivious, wild, carefree
When it floated gleefully
across every horizon you glimpsed

‘Many Light years Ago

That was Many Light years Ago, my friend!
When I ran each mile destined for my feet,
When I wouldn’t get tired
Where I wouldn’t remember, a care in the world

Take me back where I can let it all happen
Again.

That was too Many Light years Ago-‘

#CalendarSavant
Crazy Scribbler (c)
June 6th, 2017
3:52 a.m.

Resolve

(Inspired)

If you’re a mess
Be a Glorious one.
Stare right into the eyes of all demons
In and outside your mind
Embrace all things wrong
All things broken
About your own self
Don’t rush away from brokenness
Let your damage, your imperfection ,
Complete you
If you are a mess
Be a Glorious mess!

Crazy Scribbler (C)

27/5/17

Doomsday.

“I don’t want to be her

I wish I had another horizon to fly

I wish her dreams had not died in my eyes

I wish I had another storybook to read

I wish I had another tale to spend

I don’t want to be her anymore.”

Crazy Scribbler (c) – 10/03/17.

Happy Birthday to you in heaven :'(

As I am sitting here to type this out, I have no idea how or what I am going to say which can reflect my exact feelings. I had not posted on the blog in a while and I had thought I would write when my “writers’ block” would get over.. little did I know what day what sort of time would I sit , with the worst writers block ever.. because you can not make poetic words and you can not make anything out of a broken heart. a truly broken heart full of regret. and loss. I am not even going to edit or proofread this, like I usually would have done in my writers’ mood , all set and checking if anything was short of perfection. because whatever I write, it would still not tell what has been lost..

Today is 17th December.

Happy Birthday to you I.S.K

I.S.K, the name coined for herself by Iqra.. Iqra Sajid Khan. a notable alumni of Department of Mass Communication, LCWU. I.S.K, the famous photographer who would always be seen crazily clicking pictures of anything and everything she liked. I.S.K , as I have known her. As we have all known her. I.S.K, the brave girl. and most of all, I.S.K, the winner.

I remember interacting with her for the first time a day before my grad convocation, I had heard of her and I kept looking for her for many weeks and perhaps months but somehow or the other I couldnt meet her. that day, as the rehearsal was taking place, I saw her, round woolen hat, glasses, and a camera in her hand , clicking pictures of all teachers and students. there were no outsiders or irrelevant people allowed to enter the auditorium that day. so i figured out. This must be the girl. Department authorities gave her the permission to provide coverage to the event. I walked upto her and introduced myself. she shook hands with me very excitedly and as we talked, I found out that she already knew me and she was also very glad to meet me like I was. “So you are the infamous I.S.K. I finally get to meet you.” and she was all full of smiles and said she also wanted to meet me too. she congratulated me for the Roll of Honor and I requested her to take my pictures for my big day.. because I wanted the best day of my life to be captured in pictures by I.S.K.

that was the beginning of my friendship and interaction with her. The next day despite all the hustle bustle and all the rush of the ceremony, she did keep up to her promise and in fact she was the one who came up to me when all of us excited fresh graduated were happily tossing our graduations caps in the air and the position holders and roll of honor receiving students were on the stage. there, she came and asked me to stand. she clicked the most memorable photograph of my life, the happiest glint in my eyes. I will never forget that moment.

I exchanged phone numbers with her and added her on social media. I was very much inspired by her untiring passion for photography. I was in those days, very much attracted towards taking pictures, specifically of nature, flowers and moonlit scenarios etc. I would often post pictures taken by me and garner a lot of ‘likes’ and comments etc. But I remember I would say to her I wanted to learn from her and she was an inspiration for me. whenever she would comment on any of my photographs and appreciate it, i would feel honored and i remember when i expressed the same to her, she would always answer very humbly and very nicely “ap sharminda kar rahi hein, mei ap se choti hun.”

You were younger than me. But then why were you in such a hurry? 😥

I always thought there would be more time. I would reconnect and talk to you. You promised me countless photography trips of flowers, cultural events, exhibitions. I dont think I would ever be able to muster enough courage to go alone myself..

I remember one moment with her which stands out of all my memories. Not only with her, but it literally does stand out. in her simple words, I realized a few moments later, there was a huge life lesson.. We were at this park, to picture flower exhibition for the first time. she took me along with her bunch of friends. Little did I know it would prove to be last as well..

I was very reluctant when I saw huge honeybees floating near all the beautiful flowers and i kept saying to her how scared I was.. at first she didn’t answer that but when my whining didnt stop, she stopped midway of taking pictures, turned around, took one look at the bee sitting at the flower I was trying to take picture of – and said “hira baji, uss ke samnay uska junoon hai, wo APki taraf kiun dhyan de gi?” 

These words, I will never be able to forget. Never. They struck me like lightening. for a few moments , i stood dumbfounded and quiet. and then they sank in. I didnt utter a single expression of being scared of the bees for the rest of our trip… She taught me one of the biggest lessons of life with her one simple sentence.. when one is truly dedicated and passionate about something, they should not and they can not let themselves think about anything other than their passion.

I feel miserable at the fact that I could never thank her for this.

As time went by, I could not interact with her as regularly because my thesis made me busy, then one thing and another and so on. I would see her from time to time in the department, with her big gang of girls, both of us exchanging the occasional nods and waves.

When I finished my M.S. thesis, I interned in my department for few months and stayed there for a time period in which I grew very close to the graduation session 2010- 2014. Although Iqra wasnt the one who devised the name for me, but this session gave me the most unconditional love and respect on the whole. This session made me “Bajo”. This is the most, i repeat, THE most loving endearment anyone has ever used for me. I love that entitlement so dearly. and all those who gave me this name. As a session, as juniors, as my kids, my first ever batch of students. I spent so much time with those kids and I still hold them all so very special and close to my heart. whenever, wherever I see any of them achieving anything, it rings a happy bell in my heart and the feeling of how lovingly I own them.

I never thought i’d see one of my kids departing like this.. so early.. it was her time and her life was supposed to end this way. but these two lines can not make the grief and the shock go away or even decrease… no. i dont believe this.. it took me 2 days to finally accept the news.. and im still in shock.. im sitting here, typing robotically..with all memories if Iqra flashing in my mind. her mischievous jokes which would at times irk me and i would scold her too at times. i used to get very angry at her at times but she never misbehaved with me even when i expressed any agitation or annoyance. I can see her smile and that shining pair of eyes with countless dreams.. I am broken at the thought I could not say any goodbye.. I could not even meet her for once even when I heard she was suffering from cancer. because all I knew was, she was operated sometime in summer last year (2015) and then she was on chemotherapy.. her whatsapp display picture showed me her face with her head wrapped in scarf and despite her hair loss, the constant which remained there was the same shining pair of eyes and that bright smile.

She was a fighter. She wanted to live. I could see that.

The trouble is, I thought she would make it 😥 it literally never occurred to me that one day I would sit here and write the most heartbreaking birthday wish , i never imagined in my worst of dreams that she would be gone. there are some people in our life about whom we have never imagined such thing.. we have never imagined them going.. and it may sound strange that i’m saying this about a person who was fighting cancer for a while so my readers might think why didnt i imagine this? because i KNEW of her will to live, to conquer her dreams. If only i had known she would leave 😥 I would say one sorry to her for not meeting her earlier . i thought i would congratulate her on recovery whenever I would meet her. but this ‘whenever’ was not written for me 😥 I dont think i can get over the regret and the hollow in my heart for not stepping ahead and talking to her. i watched her silently, happy to see her struggle and bravery.

I didnt walk upto you because I thought i will see you again in person i will meet you 😥

i remember.. every year, from the very first day of December, she would get excited and happy about her birthday.. she would invite all of her Facebook friends on the event she would create “I.S.K. birthday” and on every 17th of December, she would invite all teachers in the department and bring a cake and celebrate her birthday very happily.. the thing which is tearing my heart apart in the worst way than anything else is, she would text everyone, including me, a week or so before her birthday to remind them.. I didnt have time last year I was very busy with my job and despite her text message reminder, I didnt wish her and I thought I would wish her this year and then call her up and speak to her about her health and progress but GOD 😥 why did I not call her the next day or the day after or so on 😥 😥 😥  😥

This year her reminder text didn’t come. uski jaga uske janay ka message aa gya 😥

I dont know what else can I say 😥

Happy Birthday Iqra betay 😥 and your Bajo is sorry 😥 for never walking upto you asking you and meeting you 😥 Im sorry 😥

Im really, Really sorry 😥 please forgive me. I know you will.. mere se kabhi ghussa nahi hoti thi 😥 im sorry.

Happy birthday again to you in heavens.

may her departed soul rest in peace. may each and every one of her sins or shortcomings be forgiven after her prolonged illness and struggle with her health. ameen

I have no courage left in me to write of what her family and her parents must be feeling. i’ll only say, they loved her so much and kept her so dear because she was always exceptional, always special. you guys kept her the best way. Allah ap sabko sabar de 😥

Farewell dear I.S.K. until I see you again.

Bajo..

 

 

The ink bleeds..

The ink bleeds..
So many words,
Words I had in me
The eyes hurt of too much
Too many tears unshed
Too many sorrows shed
Heart skips a beat
Of joys unattained
Of the smiles shared
The apologetic stare of life
That one lasting moment,
The sun shone and then down..
The soul humming too many songs,
My songs,
Our songs
The echo of the unsung melodies..!
Hands empty off of the sand
The flickering ticking sand
The murmur of days gone by
The times fading a golden yellow
Like a late winter evening
And dreams ..
Should I tell you
Of what became
Of the dreams..
Aah
Those flowers
Some blossomed
Some withered
And some dying
Dying in there
Saplings, seedlings
Never surfaced to life..!
Feet blistered from the miles
Miles written away
Away from the Home..
The ink bleeds.. !!

The ink bleeds
Of so much
Said and unsaid
Shared and unshared..

The ink bleeds..

(C)
Last page of my diary for the season…
Goodbye winter 14-15
You are so damn unforgettable..
Nosheen.

Remembering my lost friend on her birthday

I always have been “cursed” (hah. exaggeration.) but yeah as a matter of fact I always have been center of attention for this one weird reason- i don’t forget birthdays- usually. The ones I mark in my mind, sometimes they are of people important to me and at other times, they just get etched in my brain.

So today is one birthday belonging probably to the first category.

she was my classmate in our graduation school. yup we call it university here

we never were in the same group nor did we ever work together in any project or assignment or stuff. but there was this one thing strangely common between the two of us- we both were insane in our own ways and both of us recognized each other the very first day of our session. when we were asked to introduce ourselves and “audition” for being class representatives. literally , I repeat Literally no one liked me for speaking or rather blabbering too quickly and loudly in English which, then, most of them didn’t understand or even those who did, thought i was trying to outsmart all of them 😦 ( what’s my fault if I even used to “Think” in English back then?) so no one raised hand to vote for me. Except for that one girl. when she introduced herself, she did get two other votes besides me though 😛 (oh we both lost so badly) 😀

those four years spent with her, there were a lot of times with ups and downs where she would be by my side, understanding my crazy stubborn mind. there were times when people wouldn’t understand her and whenever one faced a problem, the other remained there like a firm support.

I miss her.

she had so many stubborn things about her. things which generally annoy a person. but those were the attributes of hers which made her so unique.

I can never forget the day when it was during the second year of our grad school, she didn’t come to the class for a lot many days and finally the news came that her father had passed away. Much of a shock that it was, I waited for her to come back so I could console. what I didn’t know was which day she’d be exactly coming back.. and guess what.. that day turned out to be my birthday.. I had no idea she’s be coming back that day because I had planned to celebrate the day by cutting a cake with my whole class.. when I entered and I saw her, I felt way too guilty for planning my day. I hurried towards her to console her. we both embraced and the next thing I remember was that I was trying to pay my condolences about her father and what I heard from her was a heartfelt birthday wish and too many prayers. I can’t forget that moment. My throat was choked with tears and she won’t let me complete- she just kept happily wishing me.

those four years ended and she just disappeared. yes this is the word. she disappeared because things and people and all the circumstances had been too mean to her. i don’t blame her for disappearing. or even bailing out on me like this. because she had had enough.

she does meet me at times, off and on she appears on her facebook and deactivates it. she changes her number and so on.. basically she doesn’t like to be ‘chased’ by all of us anymore who belong to that chapter of her life. but whenever she meets me, I feel good when I see her progressing in practical life.

I hope she still uses the number she gave me last time so i can drop her a wish today.

one thing she taught me is so phenomenal so meaningful and so important. she shared it with me on one such “dont-worry-im-here-with-you-in-this-bullshit” times.. she learned it from her late father.. she said it is understandable to dislike somehting and realising it is not fair. but what should not be done is to just keep fidgeting about it. just wait and work hard- one day you will be at the top- you will have the authority and the power to change it. Do it then and there. Bingo!

Miss u buddy.

Happy birthday 🙂

In the memory of Fillie.. March 2002- April 5th, 2010.. [Reposting here from Facebook. written April 6th 2011. ]

I know there are bigger losses than this one

I know people die

I know there are people out there who starve and have no shelter no homes

but every loss is a loss. and the one who suffers, knows what has gone..

And i perfectly know everything happens as Allah wants it to happen. Nothing can happen without His will and approval. and He knows the best reasons behind everything which happens. the reasons which we can not see but they are there.

Nothing in the world is permanent ,everything ,as mentioned in Allah’s Book, has to face an end..

Every Soul Has to Taste Death- (The Holy Quran)

but has anyone ever wondered, even if we know this reality and we accept it, then why do we feel our loss so much when we lose any dear or near one? there is one answer to that. Love. we love them so much that when we realize and understand that we will not be seeing them again in this lifetime, it hurts very badly..specially those who were special to us not only because we cared for them, but they cared back..

Fillie was one of the Best gifts Allah had given to me and im very thankful to Him for that. She was one of my Most Prized Possessions.. one of the most precious things.. apparently she did not have a nice color in the opinion of many people , many others say that she was not even of a good breed- she was just a domestic cat. but for me, she was more important than all the other Siamese or Persian or other well bred cats. because she was not just a cat. she was my Best Friend. Literally.

I remember the very first day when Fillie came to my house. May 15th, 2002. she was very small and was brought to my house by her mother who was surprisingly white but had two kittens, one black and the other of mixed colors of dark brown, light brown, white and gray, with mostly dark brown and black prominent…

I gradually befriended the kittens.specially the one with the mixed color. she started sitting in my lap and playing with me and purring .. their mother left them after a few months. then after a few days, the black kitten left the house. this left the mixed colored one alone. I still remember that night, i had an O level Physics C1 first term exam and she was mewing so much outside the door because she was lonely and scared..i sat near the door on the floor all night long with my book and kept mewing back to her 🙂 and in the morning when i opened the door and sat on the table in the backyard, she stepped in my lap and there were her paw prints all over my book 🙂 awwww

i named her Fillie …

then i remember the time when she got so badly sick… i cried so much then.. i thought she would die.but she got better..

i remember when i used to go to the kitchen late night, mom would scold me so much for waking up Fillie.. she would recognize my voice and then she would never stop mewing. she always insisted on being picked up on the shoulder and being taken for a walk 🙂

the times when i would wake up at night, slowly go to the kitchen to take something out of the fridge for myself and Fillie would wake up and how she would sit in the kitchen window.. and then I would manage to pass something to her through the window hole.. how cutely she would grab it. everything is so fresh in my mind it seems just a minute ago. every time i used to go outside for a walk through the backyard door, Fillie would chase me all along the way to the porch and would sit on my way and block my walk on the drive way and would insist on being picked up 🙂 one more cute thing was the way she would sit in the porch entrance door and would not let me go in..she insisted on going in and would lift her front paws and used to try opening the door handle with them . Awwww

i remember i used to bring her inside my room secretly in winter nights when the geaser would not work. she would love to sleep in my blanket , and then she would wrap herself around my neck and sleep. hahaha this memory always makes me laugh 🙂 whoever i used to tell about this, would say that some day she will kill me with her nails and will cut my neck. but she never did because she was Fillie 🙂

i have had a few people saying to me that why dont i keep a new cat and name her Fillie? the answer to that is, she was just One. just like we can not replace people, i can not replace her 🙂 i remember how i would always go to her after every sort of trouble, after a lot of crying, after getting a scolding from mom, after doing bad in any exam, or anything. and i would just say to her ‘aao fillie khailain’.. and she would be there for me. she was always there for me .the only time she did not was when she had to leave..

she got rabbies and i didnt even realize.. i found out when it was too late 😥 i found out when she had just a few weeks to live.. she never bit me out of her rabies ..she never EVER did .although we know rabies effected animal always bites..she NEVER gave me any harm because she was MY Fillie .. 🙂 😥

I remember she would always meow whenever I called her by her name . she recognized it :)even on the day she died, her body was getting hard, death was coming into her being, her eyes were not fully open ,she had thrown her neck at a side.. I dearly picked her up on my shoulder for one last time and called out her name with a teary voice ,’Fillie’ ..and there she mewed BACK 😥

Fillie i miss u very very much 😥

i remember how she used to get so angry at me for not giving her attention and how cute was her way of showing her anger..she would sit a little away from me and look at the other side… how i used to scare her as a joke ,how i used to run after her , i would run towards her very quickly and she would sit in the way, with ears lowered and thinking i might not see her ! and then the times when i would scold her with one hand raised like a slap, she would silently sit near and lower her head . i miss all that 😥 i miss and i dearly love how i had the best communication with that little thing without any spoken language existing .. this is the reason she is not replaceable .. she is just Fillie ..

there are so many cute pictures of her and every time i watch them , i miss her very much ..

an angry fillie, a sleepy fillie, a pregnant fillie, an annoyed fillie, a naughty fillie, an eating fillie, an attitude wali fillie, a fillie taking a nap with her kittens, a hungry fillie, a suspicious fillie, a sleepy fillie, a worried fillie, a cute filliene fillie in a filliene mood..and what not..:) 😥

its been one year now but i still feel like i saw her for the last time yesterday ..

for a few people, it is just funny.. they say that i am crying over a cat and that is immature, they tell me to ‘grow up’.. to them i would just say.. she never judged me .even if i had my clothes dirty, my hair all messed up, my grades falling, she was just there.she did not care was i rich or not, did i look pretty or not, did i top my exam or did i just fail it..she did not judge me for anything. she was just there for me whenever Ineeded. most of all, she never hurt me .so her being is very important to me. just like a real person.she was my BEST friend.

there is so much more to say but i would never stop then..

miss u a lot Fillie 🙂 the wet footsteps on the drive way have disappeared from the scene apparently but to me,they are there forever 🙂