Remembering my lost friend on her birthday

I always have been “cursed” (hah. exaggeration.) but yeah as a matter of fact I always have been center of attention for this one weird reason- i don’t forget birthdays- usually. The ones I mark in my mind, sometimes they are of people important to me and at other times, they just get etched in my brain.

So today is one birthday belonging probably to the first category.

she was my classmate in our graduation school. yup we call it university here

we never were in the same group nor did we ever work together in any project or assignment or stuff. but there was this one thing strangely common between the two of us- we both were insane in our own ways and both of us recognized each other the very first day of our session. when we were asked to introduce ourselves and “audition” for being class representatives. literally , I repeat Literally no one liked me for speaking or rather blabbering too quickly and loudly in English which, then, most of them didn’t understand or even those who did, thought i was trying to outsmart all of them 😦 ( what’s my fault if I even used to “Think” in English back then?) so no one raised hand to vote for me. Except for that one girl. when she introduced herself, she did get two other votes besides me though πŸ˜› (oh we both lost so badly) πŸ˜€

those four years spent with her, there were a lot of times with ups and downs where she would be by my side, understanding my crazy stubborn mind. there were times when people wouldn’t understand her and whenever one faced a problem, the other remained there like a firm support.

I miss her.

she had so many stubborn things about her. things which generally annoy a person. but those were the attributes of hers which made her so unique.

I can never forget the day when it was during the second year of our grad school, she didn’t come to the class for a lot many days and finally the news came that her father had passed away. Much of a shock that it was, I waited for her to come back so I could console. what I didn’t know was which day she’d be exactly coming back.. and guess what.. that day turned out to be my birthday.. I had no idea she’s be coming back that day because I had planned to celebrate the day by cutting a cake with my whole class.. when I entered and I saw her, I felt way too guilty for planning my day. I hurried towards her to console her. we both embraced and the next thing I remember was that I was trying to pay my condolences about her father and what I heard from her was a heartfelt birthday wish and too many prayers. I can’t forget that moment. My throat was choked with tears and she won’t let me complete- she just kept happily wishing me.

those four years ended and she just disappeared. yes this is the word. she disappeared because things and people and all the circumstances had been too mean to her. i don’t blame her for disappearing. or even bailing out on me like this. because she had had enough.

she does meet me at times, off and on she appears on her facebook and deactivates it. she changes her number and so on.. basically she doesn’t like to be ‘chased’ by all of us anymore who belong to that chapter of her life. but whenever she meets me, I feel good when I see her progressing in practical life.

I hope she still uses the number she gave me last time so i can drop her a wish today.

one thing she taught me is so phenomenal so meaningful and so important. she shared it with me on one such “dont-worry-im-here-with-you-in-this-bullshit” times.. she learned it from her late father.. she said it is understandable to dislike somehting and realising it is not fair. but what should not be done is to just keep fidgeting about it. just wait and work hard- one day you will be at the top- you will have the authority and the power to change it. Do it then and there. Bingo!

Miss u buddy.

Happy birthday πŸ™‚


In the memory of Fillie.. March 2002- April 5th, 2010.. [Reposting here from Facebook. written April 6th 2011. ]

I know there are bigger losses than this one

I know people die

I know there are people out there who starve and have no shelter no homes

but every loss is a loss. and the one who suffers, knows what has gone..

And i perfectly know everything happens as Allah wants it to happen. Nothing can happen without His will and approval. and He knows the best reasons behind everything which happens. the reasons which we can not see but they are there.

Nothing in the world is permanent ,everything ,as mentioned in Allah’s Book, has to face an end..

Every Soul Has to Taste Death- (The Holy Quran)

but has anyone ever wondered, even if we know this reality and we accept it, then why do we feel our loss so much when we lose any dear or near one? there is one answer to that. Love. we love them so much that when we realize and understand that we will not be seeing them again in this lifetime, it hurts very badly..specially those who were special to us not only because we cared for them, but they cared back..

Fillie was one of the Best gifts Allah had given to me and im very thankful to Him for that. She was one of my Most Prized Possessions.. one of the most precious things.. apparently she did not have a nice color in the opinion of many people , many others say that she was not even of a good breed- she was just a domestic cat. but for me, she was more important than all the other Siamese or Persian or other well bred cats. because she was not just a cat. she was my Best Friend. Literally.

I remember the very first day when Fillie came to my house. May 15th, 2002. she was very small and was brought to my house by her mother who was surprisingly white but had two kittens, one black and the other of mixed colors of dark brown, light brown, white and gray, with mostly dark brown and black prominent…

I gradually befriended the kittens.specially the one with the mixed color. she started sitting in my lap and playing with me and purring .. their mother left them after a few months. then after a few days, the black kitten left the house. this left the mixed colored one alone. I still remember that night, i had an O level Physics C1 first term exam and she was mewing so much outside the door because she was lonely and scared..i sat near the door on the floor all night long with my book and kept mewing back to her πŸ™‚ and in the morning when i opened the door and sat on the table in the backyard, she stepped in my lap and there were her paw prints all over my book πŸ™‚ awwww

i named her Fillie …

then i remember the time when she got so badly sick… i cried so much then.. i thought she would die.but she got better..

i remember when i used to go to the kitchen late night, mom would scold me so much for waking up Fillie.. she would recognize my voice and then she would never stop mewing. she always insisted on being picked up on the shoulder and being taken for a walk πŸ™‚

the times when i would wake up at night, slowly go to the kitchen to take something out of the fridge for myself and Fillie would wake up and how she would sit in the kitchen window.. and then I would manage to pass something to her through the window hole.. how cutely she would grab it. everything is so fresh in my mind it seems just a minute ago. every time i used to go outside for a walk through the backyard door, Fillie would chase me all along the way to the porch and would sit on my way and block my walk on the drive way and would insist on being picked up πŸ™‚ one more cute thing was the way she would sit in the porch entrance door and would not let me go in..she insisted on going in and would lift her front paws and used to try opening the door handle with them . Awwww

i remember i used to bring her inside my room secretly in winter nights when the geaser would not work. she would love to sleep in my blanket , and then she would wrap herself around my neck and sleep. hahaha this memory always makes me laugh πŸ™‚ whoever i used to tell about this, would say that some day she will kill me with her nails and will cut my neck. but she never did because she was Fillie πŸ™‚

i have had a few people saying to me that why dont i keep a new cat and name her Fillie? the answer to that is, she was just One. just like we can not replace people, i can not replace her πŸ™‚ i remember how i would always go to her after every sort of trouble, after a lot of crying, after getting a scolding from mom, after doing bad in any exam, or anything. and i would just say to her ‘aao fillie khailain’.. and she would be there for me. she was always there for me .the only time she did not was when she had to leave..

she got rabbies and i didnt even realize.. i found out when it was too late πŸ˜₯ i found out when she had just a few weeks to live.. she never bit me out of her rabies ..she never EVER did .although we know rabies effected animal always bites..she NEVER gave me any harm because she was MY Fillie .. πŸ™‚ πŸ˜₯

I remember she would always meow whenever I called her by her name . she recognized it :)even on the day she died, her body was getting hard, death was coming into her being, her eyes were not fully open ,she had thrown her neck at a side.. I dearly picked her up on my shoulder for one last time and called out her name with a teary voice ,’Fillie’ ..and there she mewed BACK πŸ˜₯

Fillie i miss u very very much πŸ˜₯

i remember how she used to get so angry at me for not giving her attention and how cute was her way of showing her anger..she would sit a little away from me and look at the other side… how i used to scare her as a joke ,how i used to run after her , i would run towards her very quickly and she would sit in the way, with ears lowered and thinking i might not see her ! and then the times when i would scold her with one hand raised like a slap, she would silently sit near and lower her head . i miss all that πŸ˜₯ i miss and i dearly love how i had the best communication with that little thing without any spoken language existing .. this is the reason she is not replaceable .. she is just Fillie ..

there are so many cute pictures of her and every time i watch them , i miss her very much ..

an angry fillie, a sleepy fillie, a pregnant fillie, an annoyed fillie, a naughty fillie, an eating fillie, an attitude wali fillie, a fillie taking a nap with her kittens, a hungry fillie, a suspicious fillie, a sleepy fillie, a worried fillie, a cute filliene fillie in a filliene mood..and what not..:) πŸ˜₯

its been one year now but i still feel like i saw her for the last time yesterday ..

for a few people, it is just funny.. they say that i am crying over a cat and that is immature, they tell me to ‘grow up’.. to them i would just say.. she never judged me .even if i had my clothes dirty, my hair all messed up, my grades falling, she was just there.she did not care was i rich or not, did i look pretty or not, did i top my exam or did i just fail it..she did not judge me for anything. she was just there for me whenever Ineeded. most of all, she never hurt me .so her being is very important to me. just like a real person.she was my BEST friend.

there is so much more to say but i would never stop then..

miss u a lot Fillie πŸ™‚ the wet footsteps on the drive way have disappeared from the scene apparently but to me,they are there forever πŸ™‚

Today’s menu

my buddy’s first blog entry πŸ˜€

Kiran Karamat

today i have been too tired after visiting the office of higher education commission. and meanwhile i was on my way back, my friend Hira called me , angrily yelling her lungs out at me since she was done with her own office work and wanted to come to me so that the two of us could carry on some work of our own. i told her to wait for me while i was on my way back.
guess what
when i came back, her highness had not even reached yet! why waste your precious energy yelling then darling πŸ˜›
she came all tired after 20 minutes and said she stayed at her own campus since she found some student to give her company and plus she didnt want my roommate’s company πŸ˜› (the actual reason)
finally i asked her to keep her lazy bum off my quilt and get…

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“Will You share Your Demons with Me?”

Its not long before I part
its not long before the sand of time ticks away
its not long now

as I walk alongside
what if there arrives a moment
We reach a bump on the path
You need not my hand to straighten Yourself i know
But hey, can i just stumble with You ?

And What if there comes an hour
Your demons appear,
unmasked and ugly
and you can hide them no longer

You need not my being in fighting them i reckon
but hey, as they surface
and as sanity leaves You
as the last rays of light are nestled by darkness
instead of turning your face away, affronted

Will You share Your Demons with me?

Those who saw Your Angels
may appraise them
or they may say nothing at all
but I hear echoing blames all around
as soon as they find your demons, hastening away

I, although, walking alongside
have only one thing to ask You
Will You share Your demons with me?

for all the remanents
which I will let tag along
Befriending them will be among
the treasured recollections
and i wont like to leave the memory behind

Will You let me love them
Will You share them with me
Will You share Your Demons with Me?

9th August 2014. (C)

3:57 AM

The Broken Dream

I dose off every night to dream of you
Few carefree moments
nothing from the reality to bother me
just to sit with u and smile
to hear you talking and to look at ur bright eyes
just so oblivious so regardless
of whosoever surrounds us
the crowd the people the buzz, all that rush
just to see u sitting next to me
feeling that happiness surrounding me, embracing me
engulfing me and making me feel so much at peace
and then,
Then I wake up..!


Your echoing, tingling laughter
That chirpy note in your voice
That glint in your eyes
All these, the flashes of all these
I have so dearly locked up
and buried
in the haven of my heart
They will dwell quietly
peacefully in that dearest territory
I have them all.
I will keep them all.